Stepping Back

Posted: October 26, 2010 in Random

It’s time…  time to step back from writing, chatting and otherwise spending too much time online.

It doesn’t mean I won’t be lurking around or occasionally write a post, or reblog a picture – just means it won’t be with the regularity as it has in the past.

No one has caused this to happen, but more a matter of circumstances.  I have 3 exams scheduled over the course of the next 4 months.
So, any extra time I have will be spent preparing for those.  My future depends on it to be perfectly honest.  I don’t want to start back at square one which means I have to pass these 3 sections before the end of May.  I’ve scheduled my exams through February and March isn’t a testing month. So, if I have to re-take ANY of them I have April and May.

I’m hoping to occasionally get out and about but the fact of the matter is I just can’t sacrifice too much time – I’ll have time later for socializing.


Family Sucks…

Posted: October 21, 2010 in Emotions, Family

I got a letter from my mom yesterday…

I haven’t quite processed all my emotions about it just yet.  I didn’t respond to her email over a year ago, and now I feel obligated  to speak my peace.  I’m just not sure what I want to say just yet…

It’s funny how time can change things – over  a year ago when I opened her email while I was on vacation (yeah, I know – spare me the lecture of checking email while on vacation!)  The emotions that went raging through me are nearly impossible to describe – but needless to say it impacted me so much that we chose to come home from vacation a day earlier than planned. *sigh*

So, now I read this letter on my way to work on Wednesday morning…  10/20/10.  I’m wearing purple in support of the lives lost to anti LGBT bullying – Spirit Day.  And at that moment, even though I felt all sorts of emotions – I simply didn’t care.  I didn’t care what she said, what excuses she had or anything else.  I just didn’t/don’t care.   Why should I?   I’ve come to terms with the fact that many don’t accept me for who I am, family included.  That’s their problem, not mine.  So, why stress?

Master read the letter last night and he said something that I hadn’t even caught… she talked about how I would become more accepting of people and open to who they are as I got older.  SERIOUSLY? Did she really say that to me? Does she not remember that she was the one giving me the third degree about the lifestyle choices I make?  REALLY? I need to be more accepting – hmmm, funny I don’t think ANYONE that actually knows me would EVER say something even remotely similar to that.  How can someone who raised me to be accepting of others live the opposite of what she taught?

Anyway, I know many of you read my blog for my more erotic posts but since this directly relates to me and my lifestyle choices – I thought it might be okay to rant…  hope you don’t mind.

(continued from this post)

The boys imaginations were now spiraling out of control,
their excitement now undeniable beneath their pants.
We did our best to help camouflage the evidence,
but our Cheshire smiles did all  but give away our secrets to the guests.
It seemed as though the clock was standing still,
but we were finally left alone.

The feminine energy couldn’t be denied any longer,
and she and I could no longer contain ourselves.
Undressing one another, a single piece at a time, we made our way to the bedroom.
Pausing only long enough to see that our partners were nearby,
our hands exploring every inch of one another.

Our journey ended up under a trail of steaming hot water;
kissing, touching, and exploring one another.
We hadn’t spent much time alone together before now,
and the boys seemed to be content in knowing they’d get their turn.
I couldn’t help but pinch and bite her nipples,
listening to her breathing quicken and body writhe, I knew she was on the brink of orgasm.

Our partners were waiting in the bedroom, and as I pushed her still wet body onto the bed they quickly moved out-of-the-way.
I climbed on top of her and paused – paused to look at this beautiful woman before me and leaned in to meet her lips with mine.
I could sense her holding back, fearful of everything she knows she wants but attempting to bury the feelings.
Regardless of where our relationship might go, we both knew that we needed one another to satiate that feminine desire burning within us…

I’ve decided not to complete this writing, due solely to the fact that I’ve written both of these posts in anticipation of an upcoming evening with two very special people.  Rather than writing fantasy, I’d rather write truth.  I won’t promise to write about the events that happen, but I can promise they will be worthy of being written about.

National Coming Out Day

Posted: October 11, 2010 in Bisexual

I recently decided to jump on the bandwagon on Facebook, and join the Human Rights Campaign for National Coming Out Day.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t bold enough to announce my sexuality to all of Facebook – but simply joining the campaign and posting daily about equal rights was taking a huge step for me.

I’m open about my sexuality to those that I feel it matters.  However, I don’t think that co-workers  need to know that much about me. I work in a conservative field and a conservative company – and while the company has employed openly homosexual individuals before, it was something I just didn’t want to put out there for them to see – I’m perfectly happy with them assuming I’m in a monogamous marriage with a man.  But, deep inside it’s killing me that I can’t announce to anyone and everyone that I’m a non-monogamous bisexual kinky slave.  Who would truly understand what that means besides those I’m not afraid to tell it to?

I’m hoping in the  coming year that I can continue to take strides towards being true to myself.  I’d love to be able to hold the hand of my girlfriend in public (That would be assuming I actually had one!) and even kiss her if I so desired.  I want to be able to embrace and not feel the need to hide a relationship with another woman for fear of who might see or who won’t understand.

I saw that my little sister RSVP’d  to a NOH8 event at her school, here in the great ol’ southern bible belt.  I’m not sure that she’s had any intelligent discussion about the subject from my dad or step mom, but regardless of what kind of information she has I’m glad to see that she is supporting such an event.  As soon as she posted it I also saw several classmates posting hateful things about the event and yet she held strong in her opinion – I made it a point to tell her on the post that I was proud of her for taking a stand.  Who knows what my dad or step mom might have to say about that, but I don’t really care.

A friend of ours has a daughter that lives with her mother in another state.  Her step mom (and my friend) is bisexual and as a couple they are non-monogamous.  Recently, it came out that she (the daughter) was dating another girl.  It immediately became a huge ordeal with her mother telling her she was going to hell among other many hateful and hurtful things.  Fortunately, although they don’t share their life with the teenage daughter, they are supporting her in her decisions.  Her dad mentioned just this past weekend that he told her that she supported her in any decision that she made – whether it just be a phase or a life decision.  I’m so glad she has her dad and step mom to talk to about it. Its situations like these that lead to miserable people because they allow other people to make their decisions for them – and she doesn’t deserve anything less than happiness in a relationship, whether it be with a man or a woman.

Anyway, I hope everyone does something for National Coming Out Day – even if you aren’t coming out, at least support the cause.


This Is Only the Beginning

Posted: September 23, 2010 in Bisexual, Non-monogamy, Swinging

It had been a while since we last spoke,
my fantasies drifting to find the pieces of yourself you’d left behind.
I missed you, I missed talking to you, touching and being touched by you.
We had explored enough of one another that I longed to taste you again,
our exploration always seeming to detour to the masculine energy in the room.

It’s nearly two fort nights before our paths cross again, erotic images spotting my thoughts.
I’m fascinated by your words, the images you share and the vulnerability you’ve revealed in recent days.
As much as I yearn for your friendship, my thoughts remain nefarious.
Knowing our sexual tension will be stifled by mundane visitors,
I can’t help but imagine seducing you in their midst.

We’d arrived later than other guests, nothing less than intentional
as our time together would extend much past those that arrived before us.
We mingle amongst the mundane guests,
the sexual tension built prior to our arrival weighing heavy in the air.

You step away into another room,
your body language making it clear that you want me to join you.
My skin flushes a shade of crimson red,
feeling like everyone in the room recognizes the wanton lust between us.

A quick exchange of silent glances with Master, and with his approval I follow shortly behind you.
I push the door closed, and waste no time backing you against the wall.
Your chin immediately falls to your chest, but only for a moment.
As  your eyes meet mine, my hands begin exploring you.

As my fingertips grazed the tops of your thighs, your dress easily creeps up to your waist.
I see a hint of embarrassment cross your face as my fingertips find your shaven mound.
Pressing myself into, I pull your dress over your head and allow our lips to meet.
Your arms paralyzed above you,
my fingers trace each curve until they meet your sweet honey pot once again.

Allowing a finger to slide between your swollen lips,
your darkest desires being revealed by your now dripping cunt.
As your breathing becomes heavy, I drop to my knees and take you into my mouth,
allowing my tongue to plunge into you, and taste your sweet nectar.

As I stand back up, and push my leg into your sex, I let you taste of yourself.
Your eyes tell me your not ready for this to end, so I whisper in you ear – this is only the beginning.
As  we pull ourselves together to join the guests in the other room, I whisper one last request.
Let’s show the boys what they have to look forward to.

We greet our respective partners with a kiss, your nectar still on our breath and lips.
And we both whisper, this is only the beginning.

National Sexual Freedom Day

Posted: September 23, 2010 in Bisexual, Random

I suppose to be able to talk about sexual freedom one might need to have an understanding of exactly what that means. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that any one person will ever define it the same as another.  We all add our own twists, caveats per se, that make it seem like it suits the purpose we might be using the word for.  In some cases, I believe one might put a negative spin on it – in their mind believing that sexual freedom is essentially promiscuity or sexual deviancy that is to be frowned upon.  In fact, this would be how I feel the majority of my georgraphic area probably feels about “sexual freedom.” I do live in the bible belt after all!

I prefer to define sexual freedom as an extension of freedom of expression.  If I so choose to express my interest in both men and women – so be it.  However, on a deeper level I’d like to believe that sexual freedom would also work as a shield for those that choose to be sexually free against those that are bound by their own inherent beliefs, religious philosophy and the like.

I also believe that this extends into the political realm as well.  Why can’t our nation operate in a more secular fashion – leaving the “judgement” to whatever deity they choose to believe in.  In the mean time, we are all humans – let us love who we choose to love, marry who we want to marry, be who we want to be.

Regardless of your perspective, I think National Sexual Freedom Day represents tolerance.  If we can at least learn to tolerate one another, regardless of how we identify – we can move closer to being sexually free.  Without tolerance, we will continue to fight for our sexual freedom.

30 Days of Truth

Posted: September 17, 2010 in Random

I’m going to only post one entry, so you will have to come back and check this post every few days to see what I have added… should be interesting.  I found this at Only the Curious through a friend, Everything’s Eventual.  Hope my readers don’t mind…

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

  • I hate that I inflict self-harm on my body.  I suffer from dermatillomania. I consider myself fortunate, because as an adult I find that it is not something I do to handle stress, work through emotions, etc.  However, it is a habit that I continually attempt to break.  I would have to believe that when it began (very early in my childhood) that it was as a result of some psychological stimulus, but that is not the case as an adult.  I’m very aware of it, as is my Master – who works with me consistently to try to break the habit.  I’m also fortunate to not exhibit significant scarring either…thankfully!  I have been considering hypnosis to try to assist in my breaking the habit. 9/17/2010

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

  • I love that I am slowly coming into my own – learning more about who I am and embracing it.  That comes in many forms in terms of religion, politics, sexuality and so much more.  Exploring what makes me feel comfortable and happy for me, not because it was how I was raised or how the majority of the world expects you to believe.  Unfortunately, this has not come without sacrifice. 9/18/2010

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

  • Wow!  Forgive myself? This I find to be a tough one.  I need to forgive myself for standing up for myself and what I believe in.  It is very hard for me to look at my family, most of whom I am estranged from and believe that my decision to remove them from my life was the best choice or that my actions that caused them to remove themselves from me were justified.  I’ve made reference to what caused me to cease communication with my mother in this blog post.  9/19/2010

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

  • Wow, another tough one… although, I suppose anything related to forgiveness isn’t easy.  I need to forgive my parents for their divorce.  I have long thought that my life (and their own) would look very different had they worked things out.  I don’t think they even made a proper attempt at it – actually, I KNOW they didn’t even make an attempt.  Now I watch as they struggle separately and wonder if they ever think about how easy they’d have it now if they had just tried. 9/20/2010

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

  • Oh, I have so many things I hope to do in this lifetime.  This might sound like a bit of a cop out answer, but I hope to do everything I think I might want to do.  I don’t want to be held back by anything, be it my own fear or self imposed limitations or anything else for that matter.  I want to know when its my time to leave that I have done everything I could have possibly wanted to do.  Live for today –  you don’t know what tomorrow might bring.  (Top on my list right now – sky diving!) 9/21/2010

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

  • I hope I never have to make the conscious decision to put one of my four legged fur-babies to sleep. I’d rather they just be taken in their own time.  I’ve been faced with the thought of losing a pet a lot lately, as one of them has begun suffering from inter-vertebral disc disease and the thought of making that decision makes me sick.  My fur-babies are my children, and no parent wants to ever have to make that type of decision. 9/22/2010

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

  • My Master and husband.  Without his unconditional love I’m not sure where I might be now.  He makes me want to be a better person and even when the rest of my world comes crashing down around me, I know that he’s with me – my rock, my protector.  I’ve had lots of physical and emotional ups and down in the many years we’ve been together and I don’t think he looks at me as any less of a person that the day we met. He is my heart, and my soul, and he alone has made life worth living. 9/23/2010

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

  • As much as I hate to admit it, my father made my life hell when he and my mother were going through their divorce.  He became very depressed and suicidal.  I heard on more than one occasion that a bridge on his way to work has his name on it.  He said these things to me regularly until he met my now step mother.  When the two of them were first dating, I remember getting called at all hours of the night (I’m a freshman in high school at this point) and was made to play mediator between the two of them when they would argue while they were out and part ways.  It was a horrible time and it made my transition into high school that much more difficult.  9/24/2010

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

  • I’ve lost a few friends simply because our lives went in different directions. Both were friends from school, both drifted primarily because of distance and being at different places in our lives.  We still talk, but both of those friendships are nothing like their former versions.  9/25/2010

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

  • This is a tough one, because I think everyone is in your life for a reason.  And, I’m also usually quick to let someone go if they are doing more harm than good in my life.  Someone I wish I didn’t know – wow, that’s pretty rough – but I suppose there are several family members that I feel I would be better off without.  9/26/2010

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

  • I get complimented the most on being “well put together” for lack of a  better way to put it.  I rarely wear jeans (unless Master requires it) and I don’t even own sweatpants that I will leave the house in.  My hair and makeup is always fixed, regardless of the circumstances and I’d describe my everyday attire as business casual – even when I’m not at work.  I wouldn’t call myself a fashionable, but I think I stick to the classics and can put those types of outfits together well.  9/27/2010

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

  • I never get complimented on my eyes.  Not sure what else to add to it except that I have horribly plain hazel eyes. They don’t pierce through you, they don’t tell a story, they are just eyes.  9/28/2010

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

  • First of all – no letter writing for me.  I’m lucky to be keeping up with this daily, much less expect it to be of any significant length. I can’t say that any particular band or artist has gotten me through tough days. I can say that music in general has though.  In high school, if I hadn’t been involved in every band option we had available (marching band, symphonic band, jazz band, pep band, indoor drumline, etc.) then the impact of my parents divorce would have been even greater.  The band room at my high school was like my safe haven, where I had lots of friends, adults to support me and something I was good at to dedicate my time to.  Without it, I’d be in a much different place now. 9/29/2010

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

  • I can’t ever say I’ve had a hero in my life, so I’ve never had one let me down. 9/30/2010

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

  • Music.  It’s nourishment for the soul, especially mine.  It doesn’t matter what genre, tempo, etc… as long as I have music, something inside me feels alive.  I have tried to live without it, although thats always been very short lived.  10/1/2010

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

  • I could live without my profession.  I do it because I’ve spent a lot of time and money to get where I am, but unfortunately my choice in profession has turned my world into a never ending pit of despair because my licensure exams seem to be impossible to put behind me.  If I didn’t think I was getting to be too old to try anything new, I’d probably go into a totally different line of work. 10/2/2010

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

  • Opening Up:Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino – since non-monogamy is still something I’m relatively new to, I always seek out information.  This book is well written with a wealth of information regarding different levels of open relationships.  Its allowed me to change my views on different types of relationships that don’t mirror my own – and in turn, allowed me to open up and be honest with myself about my relationship and the other types of relationships I would consider having.  10/3/2010

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

  • I see absolutely no reason why a homosexual couple should be any different than a heterosexual couple – that includes marriage, adoption, etc.  It hurts my heart to see people I know not be able to enjoy the same luxuries that a heterosexual couple can, simple because of their sexual orientation.  I believe that judgement against one’s sexual orientation comes from spiritual upbringing/influence and should not have any effect on the law that all citizens, regardless of spiritual beliefs, are required to live by.  10/4/2010

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

  • Ick! Do I really have to answer this after the rant I just had on Twitter?  My thoughts on religion – I think everyone needs to get their head out of their own ass and make a decision for themselves about religion/spirituality rather than letting generation after generation of “teachings” be the deciding factor in your beliefs.  I’m not a fan of organized religion, but consider myself to be spiritually in tune.  I was raised a Christian, but question most everything that was taught to me.  I don’t identify as atheist – I believe in a higher power, whatever it might be.  I also don’t identify as agnostic – I can make a commitment to a belief, but I don’t feel educated enough to determine exactly what I believe.  If I had to make a sweeping assumption/generalization I’d identify as Pagan.
  • As far as politics go, as I ranted about yesterday – I’m a social liberal and a fiscal conservative, generally speaking.  My opinions can swing from the far right to the far left depending on the topic at hand.  I don’t like to debate about it, and I don’t care what blemishes are on a candidates record – assuming they learned something from the “blemish.”  I hate that we are in the midst of mid term elections and I hate that I live in a state that is primarily conservative – when are we going to have an independent as governor, or president for that matter?  Blech! Religion and politics – both very quick ways to aggravate me and to make people pass judgement against me… oh well!  Take it or leave it – I am me, nothing more and nothing less. </rant>   10/5/2010

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

  • I don’t use drugs, and never have – not even once.  However, the older I get the more curious I become about certain ones.  Regardless, possession would strip me of my profession without a blink of an eye and so I choose not to do them.  I’m not against legalization of illegal drugs found in nature (i.e. marijuana, shrooms, etc.) – I believe that it could bring new forms of revenue to our government with more controls in place to possibly make it safer and remove some of the black market (it will never all go away).  I also believe legalization could decrease some crimes associated them.
  • I’m not sure what to say about alcohol except that I’m a social drinker and that liquid courage is sometimes a fantastic thing (i.e. my ability to seduce a woman is more likely!).  Although, alcoholism has struck a large number of people in both mine and my Master’s family – and is directly related to my estrangement from my aunt.  I am against drinking and driving, and if your too drunk to drive and in my house – I’m taking your keys.  If you have a problem with that, even after everyone is sober again – that’s your problem. </rant> 10/6/2010

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

  • I find this question on this particular day to be good timing… my best friend is my husband and Master and today, we have been married 10 years.  If we had gotten into a fight an hour before he was in an accident, I think I would feel a huge amount of guilt.  I would use it as a reminder to never leave things unsaid and to tell people you love them, even if your not getting along at that particular moment.  I try to live life this way anyway – but I think that would just make it that much more important in my mind. 10/7/2010

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

  • I try not to have any of these “moments” or “events” because I prefer to see something as a learning experience rather than a mistake.  That having been said, if I had to pick one thing I wish I hadn’t done – it would have been not taking advantage of having been offered a scholarship to attend a private school that “seemed” too far away from my fiancée (Read: high school sweetheart) and/or going into the Air Force. However, that having been said, if I had gone away to school or enlisted in the armed services, I most likely would not have met Master. So, it was one of those – everything happens for a reason type situation and I’m perfectly okay with that.  10/8/2010

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

  • Again, I try not to have regrets and to live each day as if it were my last, but honestly I wish I had pursued medicine as I had originally intended.  Perhaps put someone in my life some 13 years ago that could have helped me put together a plan to be able to put myself through med school.  I still think I might like to be in medicine – even considering going to EMT school, and eventually paramedic school.  I think I’d enjoy the medical aspect as well as the schedule – especially when Master finds full time employment as a fire fighter.  Since most EMT’s/Paramedics in our area work the same shifts as firemen do, we’d potentially have that much more time together outside of work. 10/9/10

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

  • I’m gonna pass on a playlist – I’m a music lover, but horrible with artist names and song titles.  10/10/10

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

  • I’m not a huge risk taker, that’s a good start!  Otherwise, I believe that I make wise choices in how I live my life.  I do have hobbies and activities that have put me at risk, or do put me at risk – but nothing too terribly over the top.  10/11/2010

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

  • I’m sure at some point in my childhood I thought that life should end and that it would just be easier that way, but I also believe it was probably a fleeting thought that didn’t linger around for long.  I’ve struggled with severe mood swings and even slight depression at times, but nothing ever severe enough to waste too much time about ending my life – much less following through with it. 10/12/2010

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

  • I have a lot going for me right now… I have my health, a job, a loving husband, great friends, etc.  What more could you want or need? 10/13/2010

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

  • Well, first of all – I can’t get someone pregnant and if I could then I’d be filthy rich! Otherwise, if I was pregnant we’d have a huge problem on our hands – partially because Master is surgically safe and also because I’ve had a procedure done (endometrial ablasion) that would not allow me to carry a child to term.  It would be a huge catastrophe and emotionally draining.  On this topic though, I will say that I am pro-choice – been there, done that and got the t-shirt.  If you wish to talk to me about that, I will do so privately. If you have a problem with that – move along. 10/14/2010

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

  • My weight has been an issue with me for a very long time – more of a roller coaster up and down, and as a result I have very horrible self image issues.  So, ideally I’d like to take the weight off and perhaps even go through some therapy to work through the negative self image.  These issues can sometimes cause me to be even more introverted than I normally might be – and I’m trying to work through that.  10/15/2010

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.